When my husband and I got married, we both brought a lot of baggage into the marriage. I was fearful of abandonment since I had suffered from abandonment as a nine year old little girl. My husband was fearful of rejection since he had suffered from being rejected by his father when he was younger. As we entered into marriage, I think we both thought the other one was the solution to our inner struggles. Instead, we soon began to trigger each other’s painful places. We didn’t know what to do when all the pain started pouring out!

The question I began to ask was, “Is it your rejection or my abandonment that’s causing all our problems?” The answer was: Both!

It was the pain of rejection and the pain of abandonment that was causing our problems. Pain is pain, and it gets projected into the future through fear. Once we began to learn how to speak the truth to each other about our pain, we both began to heal from the pain of our past. Buried pain from rejection and abandonment will get triggered, there is simply no way around it unless you live on an island by yourself. If you don’t want to live on an island then you must learn how to work through pain.

The first thing to learn is how to speak up and talk about the pain of your past. By talking about your painful experiences your spouse will understand what you have been through and be more sensitive to your pain. Understanding brings grace. Therefore, if you and your spouse understand each other’s pain, both of you will have grace while the other is healing.

Denise Boggs

Co-founder of Living Waters Ministry, Denise Boggs is passionate about healing and has a deep hunger for the Word of God. She is the author of over 20 workbooks and multiple small group curriculum. Denise has also written the full-length books, “Healing and Restoring the Heart”, “Restoring the Family”, and her newest released: “Breaking Free from Sickness and Disease”.

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